24/12/2005

An Iraqi Christmas Carol

Once upon a time of all the good days in the year, upon a Christmas eve old Iraqi Roulette sat feeling as miserable as can be in a chilly room watching nerve wrecking elections results , where shameless politicians were rejoicing their preliminary victory.
It was cold, bleak biting weather , and midnight was approaching. Midnight is a dangerous hour in Baghdad even on one’s own house roof, but old Iraqi Roulette could not take any more and decided to wrap up and go out to the house roof, to meditate a bit and may be have a good cry . The sky was clear and there was a cold pinch in the air, winter has arrived at last . Although Iraqi Roulette loved winter it was also something to sob about this year, because the government decided to rise fuel prices out of the blue… mysteriously after elections. Iraqi Roulette looked at the black velvet sky, and was just beginning to calm down , when suddenly a sparkling star materialized in the dark horizon and … three figures descended from it , they flew towards the house roof in the noisy with bullets sounds neighbor hood. Old Iraqi Roulette had been a victim of vision and sound hallucinations before, specially when scared , yet as the figures came closer and closer , their was no mistake that they were three men , they all put one foot forward and landed on the small roof, using their cloaks as Para shoots . The first figure wore a black turban and was wrapped in a black cloak and had a colorless long beard , the second figure was the exact replica of the first yet in white , the third wore a black cassock and a large silver cross shone on his chest . The first thing that came to Old Iraqi Roulette’s mind was that either the holy mother of God is giving birth some where in the crummy neighborhood , or someone has finally flipped and gone completely mad . The three figures crouched around a fire they lit magically , and began to talk amicably :
- As I said brother, you are a sore losers . said the Black Turban .
- No, we are not! replied the White Turban irritably .
- Are too! (BT).
- Not, not, not, the whole country witnessed the boxes going in and out of election centers, decreasing or increasing votes as you please . (W.T)
- Ah , you just can’t take it can you , stepping off the throne is always hard .(B.T.)
- Look , every one knows you are not playing fair at all , Fatwas that can not be questioned , militias threatening voters, lists being torn at the place.. …and a ghost telling you how to live.. please it is the 21st century, grow up already!(W.T.)
- A aaaa now we have it, is all a sectarian matter to you , I tell you now and now again , once and for all; there is no difference, we are all the same , I mean we are all Shias. said Black Turban
- What about you father it seems as this all is none of your business, said White Turban looking at the figure with the cross.
- If it gets much worse we’ll be heading as usual to the USA or Canada or Australia . said The Cross bearer absent mindedly .
- Now, Now that is no solution, whenever the going gets tough you just jump over the fence. (B.T).
- We have always paid the price for your mistakes, and you are to many for us, why fight a lost battle. ( Cross Bearer)
- But you are actually the natives! you should put up a fight. (W.T)
- Ha Ha Ha I wont even bother to answer that one, ( Cross Bearer)
- Anyway mate you just have to sit and watch how we rule the nation for a change, said Black Turban.
- With whose army? our neighbor’s I suspect said White Turban .
- We don’t deny that some of our neighbors are more attractive to us than others.(B.T)
- Come on do you think that America has come all this way, spent that much money to hand it all over to people they spent decades plotting against .(W.T)
- Well, we all know that America is renowned for it’s rather short sighted strategies .Who knows may be they just had enough and they‘ll hand it all to us, declare it a victory for democracy and go back home , besides we were much more disciplined then you, our parts were much more safer than yours , they want stability we will give them stability and they wont care how we achieve that stability , besides my friend we are the majority.(B.T).
- Why forge the votes then if you are sure you are the majority? you are not, even among your own you are not the majority .(W.T)
- By the way, where is our friend from the north ? asked B.T.
- Oh, he is monitoring carefully developments ,to pick the right ally , the wining ally that is , answered W.T.
- What if America decides to line you with Iran, to hit you both eventually , I mean using you as an excuse to hit Iran - the Iraqi Roulette intervened suddenly forgetting the fear, since the subject was so interesting- hm hm ….what do you think is going to happen next do you think that they will choose another ally to back now , do you think they will force a re election ?, do you think they will loose their temper with the renewal of military actions in the west part again, and decide the whole thing is not worth it ? hm hm hm ... do you think they are pushing it towards a civil war or a war between militias at least, in order to divide Iraq? You know it is all part of the Zion’s dream, you know Israel from Euphrates to The Nile or the other way round as my paranoiac primary school teacher used to tell us ? hm hm hm … . The three wise men looked at the anxious mixed up Iraqi and decided to withdraw , they stood and ascended steadily up the dark starry sky . Iraqi Roulette chased them, and tried to climb the low fence of the roof , : Where are you going? you must answer please I’ve got work tomorrow and I am going crazy, I want to know what is next , what does this all mean..? the pleading voice little by little and desperately was silenced as the figures vanished .

Old Iraqi Roulette had no further intercourse with the Spirits of elections , but lived upon the Total Abstinence Principle; to never ever watch news again, especially on Christmas eves .
God Bless Us, Every One!

17/12/2005

The Day After the day !

All Iraqis are watching with astonishment on local and Arabic channels reports about the unprecedented success of list 555 , people dancing up and down holding portraits of religious leaders celebrating the victory ! . And worse of all, our very own Condoleeza Rice i.e. Mowafaq al Rubai is popping in and out of these channels talking about forming a government since they have won indisputably! , He said - we will contact the ( small parties) and offer our vision of the future, we have the right now to appoint our own PM !. Now this is terrorizing , also reports say that they have been terrorizing voters especially in southern and middle governorates, where the power of religion is present and simple people are made to think that they are disobeying God if they do not vote properly . Other reports suggest that many voters even were terrorized by local police men who are obviously members of certain pro Iranian militias . A press conference held moments ago , where Safia al Suhail and other members of 731 explained the situation and how such irresponsible announcements especially by a government official is bound to confuse the voters and send a wrong message that they are already in charge and will give many the right to act accordingly .
It is likely that the Party is over and every one is going to roll their sleeves up now and get on with the cleaning up ! . Poor poor us!!

15/12/2005 afternoon

After a freaky night of voices in the dark telling the dwellers of Baghdad that their water is poisoned . I woke up at about 11 , I went downstairs , his Dad’s Ship was having a bath, so I presumed that everything was a rumor after all . But the sound of warning deep voices in the silence of the night… brrrrrrrrrrrrrr… reminds me of the scene from the Bible, you know the calamities that hit Egypt.
Anyway that in the past .
We went out to vote , our neighbor popped his head from behind the wall –
Hello Abu ……. Hurry up it is getting crowded I already went at 8 o’clock, and even then there were a lot of people - he said to my Dad..
When we got to the center , there was a brawl of some kind, people from other areas were told they had to wait for instructions to go somewhere else to vote .. wow fighting to vote that is good . When you have a right you must use it .On the way back me and my family were reading the posters from the ground cause there were more posters there than on the wall .
- Wow look there is Ahmed Radhi, he is cute , a lot of women’s votes are going to that group , the old men from 618 know what they are doing…. And look Al Badran is smiling over a vast desert , is that desert in England ? …… Ahmend al Chalabi is wearing a polo neck jumper; God he loves himself , And the icing on the cake is 555 , it looks more like a horror movie poster, why don’t they use it in Buffy the Vampire Slayer or something….

I must go and sleep now , to much Excitement for one day and night ...

15/12/2005

It is three o'clock in the morning (Baghdad Time) , I was disturbed by a relative phoning to warn us not use tap water " It has been poisoned " , What ??? . I have been hearing that rumor for a while , has it happened really.
Now , I am hearing clearly the local Mosques warning people through loud speakers not to use Tap water , this is Awful .
Please God let this just be a rumor.

13/12/2005

Politicians are sharpening their teeth , with all these… well… funny commercials they are running on most channels … if life was not that hard I would have actually enjoyed myself Watching them.
The recent government has failed Iraqis in everyway, with great success. Although they seem to have entirely different information from where they are , they insist that everything is going fine . A week or two ago Our PM made a speech where he was counting all the achievements he managed to accomplish. I was silent when he talked about the security, because how would he know anyway it is not as if he walks around the streets like other mortals. As he went on I did not really pay much attention , but when he said -electricity improved- I howled like a wounded wolf , especially with the street generator roaring and a summer spent in hell like heat , but then again how would he know. Didn’t his minister deny when a hundred and something tortured men were found in Al Jadria shelter last month, that there were such cases at all .
What everyone fears is a further relapse, although many say we have already hit the bottom, reached the worst and there is no where worse to reach . But still a religious autocracy was not what most of Iraqis had in mind . No one thought that after suffering for so long the oppressed will turn in to oppressors .
Assassinations are carried out to settle disagreements just like before but now by different parties , well I guess that is some kind of pluralism !.
Muzher Al Dulaimi was assassinated today , only yesterday I watched a TV debate where he was talking of his plans and today another war casualty , I mean an election casualty .

5/12/2005

Again I sat watching the trial of Saddam , it looks like this is going to be one hell of a soap opera : delay, interruptions and cheering in the court room . I know this is a third world country trial ,but can’t that sweet sweet judge tell the suspects to respect the court and be quite ,when others are trying to talk ? .
Anyway the real shimmering star of the trrial this time was Barzan Saddam’s half Brother, the major suspect of Al Dijale carnage , he wrote very reasonable notes and was discussing every one of them with the judge , he was even asking for his own witnesses .. No, no what ever you say Barzan by far surpassed his Big Brother, who stood telling the same old story of how they did not give him a pen for the tenth time . Barzan said he is a lawyer himself although , he added: I did not practice like you your honor …. He was even interrogating the witness himself at a stage ... But, alas no matter how civilized he tried to seem ,he could not keep his temper, he occasionally exploded in frenzy and yeld at the witness …: You jerboa , go back and chop some date palms .. he spat at someone sitting somewhere in the room , banging on the table gesticulating , no, no he made an effort that must be said .

The trial will be resumed on Wednesday. It will be the topic of discussion wherever you step , some will see him as ( a hero : did you see how he stood and shouted ; what a macho ), others will remember all the agony, pain and smells of the dungeons and see him as ( the living proof on the existence of a God above ) .

Truth is seldom simple as you see …..

My advise is to hire a copy of Nuremburg starring Alec Baldwin and …. ; Enjoy .

3/12/2005

A friend sent me this classical joke some time ago ,the author is unknown , anyway it helped to cheer me up

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The answer by all the great minds in history:

Rene Descartes : to get to the other side of the road.
Plato : For the chicken, truth lies at the other side of the road
Aristotle : It is within the chicken’s nature .
Karl Marx : It is a historical necessity .
Captain James Kirk : To reach where no other chicken has been before
Martin Luther King : I have a dream of a world, where chickens can cross the road not needing to explain or justify their actions.
Richard Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road , I repeat the chicken did not cross the road
Micaville : The important thing is that the chicken actually crossed the road .. it is not important to know why .. the chicken’s purpose was to get to the other side of the road, which justifies the means or motivations the chicken had.
Freud : Taking interest in the crossing issue reveals a disorderly sexual sub consciousness
Buddha : Asking that question is denying the nature of the chicken
Charles De gaul : Perhaps the chicken crossed the road but it did not cross the Autostradde yet.
Einstein : Whether it was the chicken that crossed the road or the road moving beneath the chicken’s feet, it is a question of relativity
George W. Bush : The fact that the chicken was able to cross that road, getting to the other side without being punished in spit of all UN resolutions is a challenge before democracy and freedom and justice . And which confirms to us that we should have destroyed that road a long time ago to maintain peace in that region , to defend all the values we stand for. We shall send our forces over there , we shall send 2000 tanks supported by 243000 marines , 846 micelles , their mission will be to destroy all chicken farms in that region , then we will make sure through intensive micelle attacks that our targets have been flattened … no other chicken will ever dare to defy international law any more .
Our government will help rebuild those chicken farms according to international law , and our American Ambassador will appoint a cock ,to be elected through free democratic elections.
And to finance the process of rebuilding we shall control the revenues of grain temporarily for about 30 years , so that all chickens will benefit from competitive pricing in exchange for their full cooperation .
Under this new system, where justice freedom and peace prevails .. we can rest assure that no other chicken will try to cross any road again , simply cause their wont be any roads to cross or chicken legs to cross with …